I leave in one month.

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Note: This is a post of my late night thoughts. Apologies for any typos/errors. 

     One month from today (December 28th), I will embark on a journey that will, more likely than not, change me and change my life. I will be studying abroad in Australia for five months. The feelings I feel right now are mixed; more nervous than excited but more excited than scared. I will not change my mind and I will go, but I am worried.

     I worry I will be forgotten. I worry that, while abroad, I will miss everything back home and get back too late to catch up. 

     I worry that the time difference will hinder my ability to stay in contact with the people I want to, and their ability to keep me updated on their lives as well.

     I worry that I will get there, despise everyone but learn to love them, be homesick, then come home and have those feelings about those I originally missed. 

     I worry I’ll become too attached to my new life abroad and become severely depressed upon returning. 

     I worry about being missed. I worry about changing “too much”. I worry that I will get back and be lost. I worry that I will lose certain people I have recently come to grow very fond of, or they simply will not care to get to know the “new” me, if there is one. I worry that I’ll forget to say something I want to say or the last hug won’t be tight enough. I worry I’ll forget. 

     But at the same time I could not be more stoked about what these months will bring. 

     I’m excited about the adventures I am certain to have. I am excited about not working, just studying, and being able to take advantage of all of my free time. I am excited about the people I will meet, the new start I will have, and the opportunity to create a completely new self if I so choose. I am excited, but also worried, about what studying in a country, so different but so similar at the same time, to mine will be like. I am excited to learn at a University that is less than 45 years old but has accomplished so much. I am excited to bring what I learn home, to the people I love. 

But amongst all my worry and excitement I must remember that yes, I am leaving soon, but I will also come back. 

I will come back a new person, a new young woman. I will come back with experiences, stories, and knowledge that no one else has.

I will come back and I will be okay. I will be happy. 

This will be just another journey on my path through life.

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Ah, it’s good to be back.

            Wow. It’s been almost 3 months since I have sat down and written a real post – and I apologize to those of you who follow my blog and actively read my posts! I am finally focusing on putting my needs and myself first, as opposed to worrying about pleasing those around me…because I was just not happy with where I was.           

            I had a realization day on Tuesday (the 22nd). I woke up and had to jump out of bed to get to the toilet and I ended up vomiting and being nauseas all morning – all because of stress. I worry about everything. School, work, having enough money for Australia, the past, my lack of a social life, my body/self confidence issues, family life, the holidays coming up – literally everything. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t sleep. My cortisol levels were (and probably still are) through the roof, causing me to gain weight and be even unhappier with my body. I developed intense body issues that perpetuated themselves because I was constantly stressed and in survival mode while also doing incredibly intense workouts, so any food I put into my body (no matter how healthy), stayed there. I worried and obsessed and it was all I thought about because it was something I could control and felt in control of. Then there was school; midterms, papers, projects. All things I knew I could and would get done and done well, but I stressed anyway, unnecessarily so. There was and is my lack of a social life, something I truly feel I don’t have the energy for right now. Key words – right now. I talk to my friends and am always with people in class and at work, so when I get home or have any free space to breathe I want to be alone. I value my personal time. And that personal time is time that I am going to learn to spend more wisely.

            I’m going to start doing yoga and meditating. I believe that both of those things will benefit my body, mind, and sanity. I’m making the commitment to myself publicly for two reasons; so I can look back to remind myself and also so others can hold me accountable. I have shared my new attitude and outlook with my close friends and they are happy for me and have already noticed a difference in my demeanor.

            I’m tired of being “happy”. I use quotations because I cannot remember (well, I can, but short bursts of things I’d rather not post on the internet) the last time I was genuinely happy and for an extended period of time. It’s been years. There has always been something going on in my life that has gotten in the way of that. Maybe it’s because I let things get in the way, but a person can only control so much of their life and when you’re young, that list of controllables is much shorter than when you are fully on your own.

            I believe I made the best of my situation and continue to do so. I navigate my life the way I know how. I survive and someday I will thrive. I will be genuinely happy and content with my life. I am breaking my unhealthy habits and learning new skills. I’m taking the steps. I’m being proactive. That’s all I can do. I can only do me and I need to accept that. I’ll get there, one day and one step at a time.

P.S. It’s good to be back :D

I Have Amazing Friends

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Above are two people (Angie and Gina) who have helped me and been there through the absolute worst (and best) times of my life. Many people don’t have anyone they can trust, and I have (more than) two. But these two women have been the most loyal, trustworthy, loving, caring, non-judgmental and honest people in my life to date. 

While I have definitely had some very unfortunate things happen to me in my life, so have they and I have done my absolute best to be there for them as well. Gina goes to school on the East coast and Angie is down South for college, so it is tough to maintain the friendships as intimately as we would like to due to differences in schedules, extracurriculars/jobs, and school. We do our best, though.

The two young women above are incredibly smart, talented, caring, determined, hardworking, loving, and all around amazing individuals that I would do absolutely anything for. They deserve the world and the very least I can do for them is a blog post dedicated to their friendship.

Angie and Gina, I love you and would do anything for you. Never settle for less than you deserve because you deserve everything and more.

Thank you for your friendship and everything you have done.

 

Finally! A new post!

Hello again! I know my last actual post was almost a month ago, and I apologize for that! I thank those that have stuck with me this month :)

In the past month a lot has happened; I have turned 20, been accepted to study abroad in Australia in the spring, gone to my first Twins game of the summer, made new friends, met new people, had a few really tough nights, gotten ready for school, and the first football game of the University of Minnesota’s season resulted in a win. 

I’ve come to some realizations about myself as well. I’ve realized that I really do invest in my relationships, both romantic and platonic, more than the other party. This sets me up to get hurt when it becomes evident that I am trying to communicate and reach out to those I care about and receive absolutely nothing in return. I am not the biggest fan of ambiguity and am continuing to learn to sit with my anxiety about certain situations and people. It continues to be tough, let me tell you.

I apologize for the shortness of this post but I am at work and am unable to write more at the moment. Classes start next week and I could not be more excited to get some structure in my schedule and also to be constantly busy! I will have more time to post, though, and with the classes I am taking I will have more to write about as well!

 I hope that you are all doing well and enjoying whatever is left of your summer!

xx Mary

I apologize for the lack of activity!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to apologize for the lack of activity recently. I work at the football stadium at my university and as you can imagine (since it is a Big 10 and Division I school), it is extremely busy and hectic. I get home and I’m exhausted. Many of my friends that go to school out of state are also leaving and I am trying to see them as well.

But on a brighter note – my best friend is coming home on Sunday for a week! I could not be more excited. We haven’t physically seen each other in almost 9 months. We have a lot of catching up to do and I couldn’t miss her more. So that’s very exciting!

I will try to write a couple more posts that are more like me within the next couple of weeks before classes begin. If not, I apologize and once things settle down and I get done what I need to get done I will be back to writing more frequently :)

Thank you for understanding and have a peaceful day :)

xx

It’s Happening!

Well, it’s happening! I was officially accepted into James Cook University study abroad program in Townsville, Queensland Australia! I could not be more excited. But it’s an expensive trip… so any donations (click the link below) would be greatly greatly appreciated! I am so blessed to have this amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity!

http://www.gofundme.com/studyabroadjcu

:) Thank you so much! Share with your own followers, too please!

Transformations, Successes, Hopes, Dreams

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