The Opening

This is the introduction of my senior speech. I give it in 2 months. I just decided on the topic, and I’m incredibly nervous and anxious about giving it. But I’ve decided I need to be strong and say what I need to say. We can’t all be silent.

  Five words. The five words that made me really realize what was happening to me. 

It’s hard to love you.

      Her voice cracked as she said these words to me, as I was already crying from the preceding fight. Was it because I’m not the straight, die-hard Catholic that she wanted me to me? Was it because I have mental health issues that make me complicated? Or was it simply because I’m not a perfect daughter?

I cannot be here.

I cannot be here. I cannot come to school and act like everything is fine. I cannot deal with the questions: “Where are you going to school next year?” “What’s your number one choice?”

I cannot be honest when people ask me these questions. Where are you going to school next year? Answer: I’m not. I’m moving to California or Boston, getting a job, saving for college, and attending community college classes. I’m not going to Stanford, Harvard, or Princeton. I’m going to pay for my own college.

I’m not going to my first choice college because apparently, I’m so fucked up, that I can’t function on my own, so I have to go to school within a hundred mile radius of my house. Why? Because I’ll go crazy, do nothing, and sleep with all my professors. Really mom and dad, really? No, that’s not going to fucking happen.

I’m going to do what I need to do to be happy. I’m so unhappy at my school, surrounded by people who have problems to the extent of – “I hate my mom, she won’t let me go to a party this weekend.” or “Damn, I only got a B on that test.” And crying.

Look around and fucking realize what you have. Your parents will pay for a $60,000 a year college, mine won’t. My parents won’t let me go anywhere that I will be happy. They would rather me be miserable and close to home, going to therapy everyday.

Is something actually wrong with me and people are lying? Or am I normal and people are affirming that?

I have no idea anymore.

Private Schools – The Truth

In private school, money is a huge deal. The school will do anything in order to keep that money flow continuous. That includes hurting the student to keep up the image of the school.

I was emotionally and mentally abused by my parents for years, I still am but from a distance (I moved out 2 weeks ago, I’m a senior in high school).

On New Years Eve, that abuse turned physical, so the following Monday, I went to my school counselor for help. My family has already caused a lot of commotion this year at school, so the counselor was blunt with me by telling me they couldn’t do anything because I’m 18 and they have to watch their own asses so they do not face a law suit.

My parents are narcissists. It’s either their way or the highway. My school, with knowledge of the emotional, mental, and physical abuse, to me to suck it up because I only have a few more months before I graduate.

What the fuck? What kind of school tells a student to stay in an environment that is abusive and highly encourages that? What if I had stayed at home, and it happened again? Then what would they have done?

I cannot stand private schools. They violate student’s rights to no end. They will get involved from anything to a traffic violation to a student murdering someone. There are no boundaries. If I went to a public school and moved out, the school would not care and would support me in that situation. But my current school has completely overridden my privacy in numerous ways, in order to keep my parents satisfied.

Note: This was a venting post. I don’t really want feedback or any sort of defense for private schools. Private school educations are excellent and I do not regret that, it’s the way that they are willing to treat their students. I know firsthand.

Thank you

Thank You

Thank you for always being there

Thank you for always validating my feelings

Thank you for letting me control my own life

Thank you for giving me the privacy I deserve

Thank you for loving me like I deserve to be loved

Thank you for telling me how proud you are of me and that I will do great things

Thank you for letting me be interested in what I am passionate about

Thank you for keeping my mental health issues personal and not public knowledge

Thank you for allowing me to be myself and not be afraid of your reactions

Thank you for making my senior year care-free and fun

Thank you for the amazing childhood I had

Thank you for the constant love and support

But most of all;

and I mean most of all;

Thank you for nothing

You did none of the above