The Process

The transformation of herself begins

With the questioning of what she sees.

She don’t always know

Who she is.

What she is.

Why she is.

Spinning out of control quickly. Easily

Shuddering at the view of her naked face.

The make up covers the imperfections but

Adds to what has built up over time.

Routines become tedious and boring but the

Result makes it worth the effort.

So close to breaking but it’s only

Morning. She has to wait until she’s

Alone with no one to see her at her worst.

Striving to appear as if she’s not trying but

That’s impossible to hide, as no one looks like that

Naturally she’s not happy even with the results.

Primer. Foundation. Eye shadow. Eyeliner. Mascara.

All make her what she’s not –

Beautiful.

The Process of Transformation

Process of Applying Make Up

            The process begins when I face myself in the mirror, my face completely naked. I stare at my reflection for a few moments and question. I question who I am, what I want, where I’m going, and what I see. What do I see? I see a young woman that is incredibly scared and uncertain of the future. I see a young girl that hasn’t resolved her childhood. I see a broken child that is still destroyed by the words she heard for so long. Then I stop my thoughts, knowing that they can spin out of control quickly and easily – back to the task at hand.

The blue container with three drawers holds everything I need to transform myself. I start with the green primer that will hide the redness in the crevasses of my face and help the foundation stay put. I squirt it into my hand and rub it into my face; loving the feeling of the smooth finish it gives my skin. I follow the primer with the foundation that will hide all the imperfections on my face; the bags under my eyes, the acne scars, the emerging zits – everything that has added up over time, to be added to again by today’s routine. I take the foam pad and rub it into the foundation container, then moving it to my right cheek. I always do my right cheek first, rubbing the foundation in circles under my eye, my temple, my jawline, and my nose. I repeat the same action with the left side of my face, rubbing in the foundation so as not to miss any areas. Now to the eyes; my favorite part of the process. The eye shadow is usually green or black, because most days that’s how I feel – dark. I let the pencil or brush glide across my eyelid, leaving its residue as it passes. After completing both eyes, I take my index fingers and smudge the shadow to give the casual look – so it looks like I didn’t try too hard to look pretty. I take my eyeliner and cover the water lines of my eyes with the pitch-black color, until there is no trace of white underneath. My eyes water as I do this, giving me at least some relief, but I can’t break now – I’m too far in my process. I quickly pencil in my eyebrows to make them appear more natural. I finish with bronzer, blush, and finishing powder, one directly after the other since I’m late to wherever I need to be. Then the process is done. Before I leave the bathroom I flash a smile, a fake smile, but a smile nonetheless.

Second Shot at “The Notebook” Poem

The simple notebook

Holds so much

So many secrets,

So many feelings.

 

Blue and white speckled cover

Is plain

To make it appear ordinary

In the eyes of anyone else.

 

But I know what it holds,

The darkness, the light, the truth.

The black spine connects

All the pages, all the stories, all the secrets.

 

Secrets and feelings

That no one else knows

I have written

Pages upon pages of them.

 

Tattered, ripped edges

It was so strong for so long.

But now, it’s breaking, falling apart

Like me.

First Shot of “The Notebook” Poem

My composition notebook

Holds the words I am

Too afraid

To say out loud.

 

She is the one

I tell all my secrets

All my thoughts to

My confidant.

 

She won’t tell anyone

Anything that is written.

What is in her

Stays in her.

 

She is like a therapist

With no response.

Someone to vent to

Without judgment.

 

She won’t tell me

That I’m crazy or need

To change her is

To destroy her.

Lost People

The world it’s people are lost

in empty space

drifting

 

the struggles are never-ending somewhere

the light shines through but

they can never reach it

 

aimlessly wandering through the darkness

will they ever find their true home

 

cove after cove

cave after cave

hiding

from their true selves this

 

eats them alive and

they finally

see the light that will

lead them to the

destination

that is awaiting them