Reflecting.

Hello all – this is solely a personal post for my own sake. This is me processing.

Recently I’ve been grieving a loss of someone very important in my life. They were one of my best friends and one of the people I trusted most in this world. They knew me better than anyone. I miss them…more than they know.

I don’t understand why things have turned out the way they have, or how exactly to deal with the current circumstances. I want to reach out, share what’s been going on in my world…but I am scared. I’m afraid of rejection and harsh words. I can’t take that right now, which is why I remain silent.

Which leads to the next part:

Silent…something I’ve been for far too long. Silence…something that has been forced upon me by those with more power. But I don’t want that anymore. I’m hurting and I’m suffering and I’m trying to deal with what life has thrown and continues to throw at me but it’s becoming a nightmare. A real, living, gut churning nightmare.

Things aren’t okay. Things are not fine and dandy. I am still suffering and dealing with the repercussions of what happened, mind you. I’m not “fine”. I’m not good. I’m going through the motions of each day and coming home and feeling unfulfilled. There’s no one to share things with here. There’s no one to understand my mind and what has happened and how I need to process it. There’s no one here, only me.

That’s why I want to go to Australia to study abroad. I want to get the hell away from all that I know and have an adventure for once in my life. I want the great feeling of not knowing anyone. I want to meet new people, see new places, and have new experiences. I want to go to a place where nothing reminds me of home, or them, or anything. I want an entirely new environment. And I’m going to get it.

I want to come back a new woman, or at least a woman that has learned and seen more than what was in her backyard. I want to come back a woman who loves deeper and is more compassionate. I want to come back a woman who is no longer (or who no longer feels) damaged, broken, and empty.

And I will do this, too.

Someday, somehow, this will happen. I will find myself and find happiness.

It will happen.

Today Marks the Day

Today marks the day that I will become a healthier person mentally, emotionally, physically, and intellectually.

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I will start taking better care of myself; eating healthier, cutting back on other (sometimes negative) behaviors, working out more intensely, and filling my free time with writing and engaging with people who make me happy.

I will work and study harder, save more, and enjoy my days. I will prepare for what my future will bring me and what the next academic year entails. And I will embrace the time I have left in college and in life.

I will stay on track. I will succeed. I won’t let small failures ruin my chances. In order to learn and grow, I must fail. These failures will make me who I am and shape me into a better person.

I will attend to relationships that need attending to. I will not walk out on anyone who has been significant in my life. I will not be that person that turns away and hurts those I love because I am scared or insecure. I will let my relationships flourish. I will not sabotage them.

Happiness is something everyone deserves, however it comes to them. And I am determined to find my own genuine happiness. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect; it means accepting the imperfections in yourself and in your life and making the most of it all. Finding happiness is a journey – a long and, more often than not, painful journey, with many bumps along the way.

Today marks the first day of this journey for me. I am determined.

I have returned!

Hello everyone! I have returned, hopefully for good now. 

I got back from Tennessee late on Wednesday night and have been working my butt of yesterday and today! Luckily, I have tomorrow and Sunday off and will be doing some much needed socializing (lake, sushi, party!) and getting some errands checked off my list. 

Over my weekend, I was told that I “need to get me a gun because you never know what will happen up north” and that “I’ve had some trouble with my Rae-Anne, too. So I’ve been thinking of you sweet pea”. Oh, thank you so much! I know I’ve been a burden the past three years on everyone around me, I didn’t need your affirmation. And sorry to break it to you, but I live in the city.. in a college town. I have mace and will be alright, thanks though!

Ahh.. family. So glad to be back at my apartment and back at work. We’re getting ready for football season, and at a almost 1 million sq. foot outdoor stadium.. that is quite the ordeal. Cannot wait for those 12-hour football game shifts.

So until school starts I shall be trying to see as many of my friends as possible (before they leave and go off to their respective schools) and working as much as I can. Gotta save up for Australia! Speaking of which, I submitted my application yesterday 🙂

Wish me luck. I hope you all are well!

xx Mary

Greetings from Tennessee!

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Hello all,

I’m writing from my phone at my second family reunion of the summer. Which, if you know me, is a huge step/deal. We’re at my father’s families’ lake house in northwestern Tennessee and, as you can tell from the picture, it’s beautiful.

There’s no wifi which is great. I’ve got my phone on me mostly to take pictures. I bought two books on my Kindle for the trip: She Left Me The Gun (Emma Brocked) and Gone Girl (Gillian Flynn). I can’t wait to just relax the next few days and take some me time.

I won’t be posting much, as I do not have access to wifi, only my phone, which is using up my data as I write this.

But, I hope you all are well and this post finds you in a good place.

xx Mary

I’m Sick Of Summer

I’m sick of summer, too.

Thought Catalog

I’m sick of summer, the sticky skin and the sweaty sheets. I’m tired of competing with the din of the air conditioner and of listening to stories about trips to nearby shores I have or haven’t heard of. The sounds of summer are starting to grate, the kids shrieking through sprinklers and the announcement of the ice cream man as he circles my block and your block and every block; can’t he tell we’re not interested?

I’m tired of shaving and swimsuits and sunscreen, sick of days so long they stretch out for miles. I’m sick of looking at my shadow and thinking about my body and I’m tired of you looking at it. I’m tired of the dresses and how they cling to my torso like wet newspaper or blow in the hot thick wind, revealing all my secrets. I’m bored with showing my toes, bored with giving everything…

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Monotonous Sublime

Another old poem.

The Search for Clarity

Reaching to others, not knowing what to find,
Not knowing what you want.
Sometimes being satisfied, sometimes not.
Sometimes being understood, sometimes not.
Sometimes being validated, sometimes not.
The ‘sometimes not’s being changed to
‘More often than not’s as time drags
Slowly, slowly, slowly by.
When will you rise, and shake
Your chains, and demand to be heard.
Demand to be seen for who and what you are.
And not the
Helpless
Hopeless
Child that they see you as.
Let them see who you are as you break free from
The chains that you built yourself,
Link by link.
The chains of entrapment,
Weighing you down until you simply,
Need
To
Get
Out.

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