Reflecting.

Hello all – this is solely a personal post for my own sake. This is me processing.

Recently I’ve been grieving a loss of someone very important in my life. They were one of my best friends and one of the people I trusted most in this world. They knew me better than anyone. I miss them…more than they know.

I don’t understand why things have turned out the way they have, or how exactly to deal with the current circumstances. I want to reach out, share what’s been going on in my world…but I am scared. I’m afraid of rejection and harsh words. I can’t take that right now, which is why I remain silent.

Which leads to the next part:

Silent…something I’ve been for far too long. Silence…something that has been forced upon me by those with more power. But I don’t want that anymore. I’m hurting and I’m suffering and I’m trying to deal with what life has thrown and continues to throw at me but it’s becoming a nightmare. A real, living, gut churning nightmare.

Things aren’t okay. Things are not fine and dandy. I am still suffering and dealing with the repercussions of what happened, mind you. I’m not “fine”. I’m not good. I’m going through the motions of each day and coming home and feeling unfulfilled. There’s no one to share things with here. There’s no one to understand my mind and what has happened and how I need to process it. There’s no one here, only me.

That’s why I want to go to Australia to study abroad. I want to get the hell away from all that I know and have an adventure for once in my life. I want the great feeling of not knowing anyone. I want to meet new people, see new places, and have new experiences. I want to go to a place where nothing reminds me of home, or them, or anything. I want an entirely new environment. And I’m going to get it.

I want to come back a new woman, or at least a woman that has learned and seen more than what was in her backyard. I want to come back a woman who loves deeper and is more compassionate. I want to come back a woman who is no longer (or who no longer feels) damaged, broken, and empty.

And I will do this, too.

Someday, somehow, this will happen. I will find myself and find happiness.

It will happen.

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10 thoughts on “Reflecting.”

  1. I just want to say that I can relate to your sorrow. Keep a strong mind, the pain will eventually fade. I suppose many people have told you that already, but take it from someone who really knows.

  2. Man, i want to go to Australia, too. Something about that place really sounds exciting (maybe all the surfing?)! All of my friends who have gone there for extended travel loved it and any Australian I meet is really relaxed and nice, definitely not a bad choice for a study abroad term!

  3. Go for it Mary…whatever you desire. Lovely to have met you in cyber space. Thanks for your appreciation. Blessings…Tim.

  4. Dear Mary,
    I know this reply comes belated. I only clicked the “like” button for statistical purposes. How could anyone possible like what you have shared with us. I’m very sorry to hear of your loss. I’m sorry that you have gone through a period of silence that’s not healthy in any emotional or physical way. I wasn’t clear if you are leaving for Australia, or if that is what your plan is. In either case, I Do Wish You All The Very Best.

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