While at work today I was thinking about how exhausting I find dealing with people. Being around people, engaging in conversation, pretending to care and act interested is so frustrating and draining. I’m a friendly person and I can be outgoing around people I’m comfortable with, but I think often times people mistake that for being an extrovert. But inside, being around a large group of people, most of whom I don’t know, makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I admire those who can do that because I believe it takes a lot of self-confidence and awareness to feel okay and good in a large group setting. While I have (what I consider to be) a healthy level of self-confidence and awareness, I just cannot seem to “thrive off of other people’s energy”, unless I know them well. There are few people I feel I can be completely vulnerable and myself with – there are maybe five people (well, now four…). But to those extroverts, you are really amazing people and I sometimes envy you. I need my solitude and alone time with no contact with anyone, otherwise I feel stressed, anxious, and am a complete, excuse my language, bitch. When people are too demanding of my time, especially the little time that I do have with my hectic work schedule and getting ready for classes to begin in the fall, I get very agitated and upset. Then they think I’m “bipolar” (I have actually been called that, which I find offensive to label or call anyone something that you have no actual idea about), a bitch, narcissistic, and whatever else, when I’m actually just exhausted and wanting time to myself. Note to everyone – do not take it personally, it has nothing to do with you – I am doing what I need to to keep myself mentally/emotionally sane and healthy. Whew, good to get that out.
On another note:
All I want right now is to take a road trip, alone, with no destination in mind – I just want to drive and see where I end up. I want to drive to a beach or a cabin and write. I want to have a week or two to myself to just write and not have to worry about classes, work, or anyone or anything else. I want solitude. I want alone time. I want to forget my phone and social networking sites. I want to forget that people exist. I want to find myself completely lost in a journal entry and a cup of coffee, not worrying what time it is or where I have to be in an hour. And someday, I will do this. Maybe when I get back from Australia in July of next year.
How perfect would that be? Does anyone else feel the same?
Feel free to reply with what your dream would be.