Wow. It’s been almost 3 months since I have sat down and written a real post – and I apologize to those of you who follow my blog and actively read my posts! I am finally focusing on putting my needs and myself first, as opposed to worrying about pleasing those around me…because I was just not happy with where I was.
I had a realization day on Tuesday (the 22nd). I woke up and had to jump out of bed to get to the toilet and I ended up vomiting and being nauseas all morning – all because of stress. I worry about everything. School, work, having enough money for Australia, the past, my lack of a social life, my body/self confidence issues, family life, the holidays coming up – literally everything. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t sleep. My cortisol levels were (and probably still are) through the roof, causing me to gain weight and be even unhappier with my body. I developed intense body issues that perpetuated themselves because I was constantly stressed and in survival mode while also doing incredibly intense workouts, so any food I put into my body (no matter how healthy), stayed there. I worried and obsessed and it was all I thought about because it was something I could control and felt in control of. Then there was school; midterms, papers, projects. All things I knew I could and would get done and done well, but I stressed anyway, unnecessarily so. There was and is my lack of a social life, something I truly feel I don’t have the energy for right now. Key words – right now. I talk to my friends and am always with people in class and at work, so when I get home or have any free space to breathe I want to be alone. I value my personal time. And that personal time is time that I am going to learn to spend more wisely.
I’m going to start doing yoga and meditating. I believe that both of those things will benefit my body, mind, and sanity. I’m making the commitment to myself publicly for two reasons; so I can look back to remind myself and also so others can hold me accountable. I have shared my new attitude and outlook with my close friends and they are happy for me and have already noticed a difference in my demeanor.
I’m tired of being “happy”. I use quotations because I cannot remember (well, I can, but short bursts of things I’d rather not post on the internet) the last time I was genuinely happy and for an extended period of time. It’s been years. There has always been something going on in my life that has gotten in the way of that. Maybe it’s because I let things get in the way, but a person can only control so much of their life and when you’re young, that list of controllables is much shorter than when you are fully on your own.
I believe I made the best of my situation and continue to do so. I navigate my life the way I know how. I survive and someday I will thrive. I will be genuinely happy and content with my life. I am breaking my unhealthy habits and learning new skills. I’m taking the steps. I’m being proactive. That’s all I can do. I can only do me and I need to accept that. I’ll get there, one day and one step at a time.
P.S. It’s good to be back 😀