Category Archives: Personal

Reflecting.

Hello all – this is solely a personal post for my own sake. This is me processing.

Recently I’ve been grieving a loss of someone very important in my life. They were one of my best friends and one of the people I trusted most in this world. They knew me better than anyone. I miss them…more than they know.

I don’t understand why things have turned out the way they have, or how exactly to deal with the current circumstances. I want to reach out, share what’s been going on in my world…but I am scared. I’m afraid of rejection and harsh words. I can’t take that right now, which is why I remain silent.

Which leads to the next part:

Silent…something I’ve been for far too long. Silence…something that has been forced upon me by those with more power. But I don’t want that anymore. I’m hurting and I’m suffering and I’m trying to deal with what life has thrown and continues to throw at me but it’s becoming a nightmare. A real, living, gut churning nightmare.

Things aren’t okay. Things are not fine and dandy. I am still suffering and dealing with the repercussions of what happened, mind you. I’m not “fine”. I’m not good. I’m going through the motions of each day and coming home and feeling unfulfilled. There’s no one to share things with here. There’s no one to understand my mind and what has happened and how I need to process it. There’s no one here, only me.

That’s why I want to go to Australia to study abroad. I want to get the hell away from all that I know and have an adventure for once in my life. I want the great feeling of not knowing anyone. I want to meet new people, see new places, and have new experiences. I want to go to a place where nothing reminds me of home, or them, or anything. I want an entirely new environment. And I’m going to get it.

I want to come back a new woman, or at least a woman that has learned and seen more than what was in her backyard. I want to come back a woman who loves deeper and is more compassionate. I want to come back a woman who is no longer (or who no longer feels) damaged, broken, and empty.

And I will do this, too.

Someday, somehow, this will happen. I will find myself and find happiness.

It will happen.

Today Marks the Day

Today marks the day that I will become a healthier person mentally, emotionally, physically, and intellectually.

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I will start taking better care of myself; eating healthier, cutting back on other (sometimes negative) behaviors, working out more intensely, and filling my free time with writing and engaging with people who make me happy.

I will work and study harder, save more, and enjoy my days. I will prepare for what my future will bring me and what the next academic year entails. And I will embrace the time I have left in college and in life.

I will stay on track. I will succeed. I won’t let small failures ruin my chances. In order to learn and grow, I must fail. These failures will make me who I am and shape me into a better person.

I will attend to relationships that need attending to. I will not walk out on anyone who has been significant in my life. I will not be that person that turns away and hurts those I love because I am scared or insecure. I will let my relationships flourish. I will not sabotage them.

Happiness is something everyone deserves, however it comes to them. And I am determined to find my own genuine happiness. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect; it means accepting the imperfections in yourself and in your life and making the most of it all. Finding happiness is a journey – a long and, more often than not, painful journey, with many bumps along the way.

Today marks the first day of this journey for me. I am determined.

The “Shine On Award” with Song!

Thank you to Shaun (http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com) for the Shine On award! Please go follow his brilliant blog. I happily accept and will now pass it on.

THE RULES ARE:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. State 7 things about yourself

4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them.

5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award requirements.

7 Things About Me:

1. I am in school to become a Couple/Marriage and Family Therapist.

2. I am a fighter.

3. I love to write – in all forms (poems, short stories, articles, blog posts, reflections, etc.)

4. Once I become invested in something or someone I do not give up or walk away.

5. I have experienced many hardships in my short 20 years of life and I definitely have a story.

6. I am nonjudgmental and welcome/accept everyone as they are.

7. I love to meet new people and try new things.

15 People I Now Nominate:

1. http://getmerewrite.me

2. http://astraltravler.wordpress.com

3. http://justme636.wordpress.com

4. http://ashiakira.wordpress.com

5. http://aveekchakraborty.wordpress.com

6. http://anthonyborregoblog.wordpress.com

7. http://michaelwatsonvt.wordpress.com

8. http://fromthedeskofmardrag.wordpress.com

9. http://jojopercieves.wordpress.com

10. http://peakexpression.wordpress.com

11. http://thecultivationofbeauty.wordpress.com

12. http://danskognes.wordpress.com

13. http://bishoptatro.wordpress.com

14. http://legendsofwindemere.com

15. http://bumbastories.wordpress.com

Song: Shine On by James Blunt:

I’m Back! With A Personal Post…

Very true. I need my solitude in order to stay healthy.
Very true. I need my solitude in order to stay healthy.

Today is a day of rest for me. I worked over 40 hours last week and also finished my last summer class. Finally time to relax and enjoy what is left of summer, which feels like not enough time but will definitely be more time than I need to have a few relaxing days and be ready for school again in September. I can now start writing more and posting more frequently – thank all good things above me, I need writing to keep me sane.

Anyway, as relaxing as today has been and will hopefully continue to be, it has also been frustrating. I’m frustrated with others and frustrated with myself. I am not one to completely call people out on the internet and I will not start now. But at what point is it too much? At what point do you give up? At what point do you stop trying? I am studying and training to be a therapist, a marriage and family therapist, so I feel as though I should have faith in people… but the experiences I’ve had with people I know both well and not so well have diminished much of the good I could see in anyone. I have been hurt and I have seen others, people I care about very deeply, be hurt. I believe that there are certain people in this world that we were meant to meet and certain things we were meant to go through. But I don’t believe there were certain people we were meant to abandon and hurt. Ruthlessness and absolute selfishness are two things I believe have really hurt humanity. Which is why I try my best to not involve myself with either. But others in this world do not feel or do the same.

I have learned that when people are going through very difficult times it is a go-to strategy for other people to back off, judge from afar, and completely desert the person. I have learned that those people aren’t worth caring about or putting much time and effort into trying to rekindle that connection. If they abandon you and judge you when you need them and their unconditional love and support the most, why should they deserve your attention and friendship when you’re at your best? Why people think this is okay I will never understand. But hey, they do them, I’ll do me.

Part of why I don’t understand the logic behind these sort of people is because when I care about someone, and I mean really genuinely care about someone, I am always there. I put in the effort. I never abandon or judge them. I let them be them. I accept their past and who they are. I put in the effort to learn about their life and what they did with their day. And I believe that is what true friendship is. Always being there. That’s a two-way street, though. It has to be reciprocated or it isn’t true friendship. As they say, “It takes two to tango”. Because I am a very sensitive and giving person, it is hard for me to let go if I’m not receiving the same genuine care back. There are very few people in this world that I deeply care about and love so much that I literally do not know what I would do without them. Off the top of my head I can think of about three or four. They have always been there for me and I sure as hell will always be there for them. If I lost any of them I am [pretty] sure I would head into a downward spiral of depression. When these people are having difficulties I drop everything I am doing, take the time to listen to them and their struggle, and try my absolute best to give them what they need in that moment. And I can only hope they would do the same for me.

In short, I believe there are people in this world that we will connect with forever and that once we meet them we need to hold onto them tight, not letting go, regardless of what role they play in our lives or if that role changes. I believe that there are some relationships that are worth sustaining regardless of what others think. I believe sometimes we need a clean slate, but just because we start somewhere new doesn’t mean our past (and the people in it) dissolves. Our past is what makes us who we are. I wouldn’t change anything that has happened to me because it has made me the strong, resilient, and determined woman I am today.

What does your past make you?

Removing The Stigma

This post may be featured on signature26.com

Removing the Stigma

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            The stigma that society has associated with mental health disorders is slowly fading. However, even with this progress those who suffer from mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder are embarrassed to share this part of themselves with others. I know from experience, as I am one of them. I believe that by talking about mental health issues and showing that we, those who live with mental illnesses, can lead healthy and functional lives regardless of our diseases, the stigma can be removed.

The common image that pops into most people’s heads when they think of a person with depression is someone who cannot function in their day-to-day life; someone who spends nights crying, no longer cares about their appearance, withdraws from their friends and family, and is unable to find pleasure in anything that most people find enjoyable. But in reality, many people with depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses blend right into society. They go to work, school, and receive promotions and awards. They hang out with their friends, go to concerts and movies, and can even be spotted laughing and smiling. More often than not, these are the people who have received help regardless of the negative attitudes towards their disorders. This is what the norm needs to be

Going to therapy and being on antidepressants or other medication should not be viewed as negative things. In fact, they should be seen as the exact opposite and celebrated! These are steps to becoming healthier, regaining control, and getting back on track to live a normal and sane life. Asking for, receiving, and accepting help is one of the hardest things we have to do as human beings, especially for those of us who struggle with our mental health. It shows incredible strength when an individual does so and it should be acknowledged and praised! It doesn’t call for judgment or being labeled as weak or losing control.

If you feel as though you’re suffering alone, try to remember that you’re the farthest thing from it. There are support groups both in person and online. Let yourself take steps to recovery and understand that healing and becoming happy again takes time. Depression, anxiety and other mental health disorders are not a death sentences or tunnels with no light at the end. They are diseases that can either take control over your life or not, but that is up to you.

So, my message to those to suffer is to get help in any capacity you can and are confortable with. It will take time and it will be hard but you are strong for making it this far. My message to those who do not suffer is to educate yourself and others about the issue and try to raise awareness. Stop joking about depression, bipolar disorder, and cutting. Make small changes one day at a time. Do your part to remove the stigma.

Photo Credit : http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-and-talk-about-mental-health-2.png

On This Fourth of July

Happy 4th of July Everyone! And Happy Birthday America!

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On this fine day in Minnesota (beautiful and sunny), I am inside writing and enjoying refreshing drinks! But not to worry – I do have plans for fireworks and the lake later 🙂

This post is more of a reflection on what my life has been since “summer” began, and it’ll make me seem human to all of you that care and are gracious enough to follow my blog. I have begun and finished one summer class and am now in the homestretch of another. I am working pretty much every day. I see friends when I can. I keep myself busy so I don’t have time to think about the stress and residual trauma and issues I am dealing with. But on days like today (i.e. days I have off) those things hit me life a train that has no breaks, continuously. So, I look to the future. I plan for the future. And I hope for the future.

I imagine the day I graduate college (May of 2015) and start my journey to graduate school, whether that be on the East or West coast. I imagine what my love life will look like (and yes, I do have an idea, or more of a hope, of what that will be). I imagine if I will be scared, excited, or a combination of both. I wonder what it will be like to completely leave Minnesota behind – and never look back. I wonder who I will meet and what I will become. I think that my growth as an individual has been hindered by my experiences here (in Minnesota) and the lack of my ability to escape completely. I hope to become a more liberated and independent woman once I move. But only time will tell these things, as badly as I want to know (some of it) now.

But then I reminisce. There have been some great times with some great people in my life and I think about those times. Things in my everyday life that remind me and I don’t have time to think about them in that moment, so I remember later. I remember the times I would go to the drive-in movie theater with my best friend, Gina, who didn’t come home this summer. I remember my times in LV and the amazing weather, food, sights, and laughs. I remember my carriage house apartment above my old friend’s garage and how perfect of a fit that was for me. I remember the hard times too, though. The tears, the lonely nights and days, and the rumors/trauma. But even though it was a combination of a horrible and amazing summer, I would give a lot to go back and relive some of those weeks where nothing could touch me and nothing could bother me. Those were some great times with great people that I will never forget and always hold very near and dear to my heart.

This is what much of my “free” time is spent doing, besides writing, planning my study abroad semester to Australia, and Economics homework; planning and reminiscing.

But, I am off to finish doing my laundry and other chores before my company arrives. I wish you all a very safe and happy fourth!

This Materialized World We Live In

We live in a world that puts such an emphasis on things, money, and having more of everything. Everything, that is, except memories.

     As much as a I hate to admit it, I have been sucked into the world of materialization. I went to a private middle/high school where many of my peers could go out, use their parents’ credit cards, and buy, buy, buy… I didn’t understand it. But soon enough, I was asking for the next Ugg boot, 7 for All Mankind jeans, etc. Pretty soon, I was using my own money just to buy new clothes, shoes, make-up, etc. I had no need for the things I was buying – I just wanted more and I just wanted to fit in. And in doing this, I missed the good times and possibly good friends I could have made.

     But now, being in college, money is tight. It always is. Now, saving is more important than spending. I am not trying to impress any of my friends because we already clicked. I’m not trying to impress and man or woman so they will fall for me. I’m not trying to impress a teacher or give them the right idea about me. In college, it’s who I am that matters. It’s not what I can afford and how much. With this attitude shift, I have made better friends and better memories. I have days and nights I can look back on and say “Wow, that was awesome”.

    So I have a challenge to those who follow or read this blog – Next time you’re out shopping with friends – don’t buy anything. Savor the moments, jokes, laughs, and smiles you share with the people you’re with. Buying something is not going to add to the experience and quality time you’re spending with your friends, just like not buying something won’t take anything away.

    Feel free to share! I’m going to do the same.