Today is a day of rest for me. I worked over 40 hours last week and also finished my last summer class. Finally time to relax and enjoy what is left of summer, which feels like not enough time but will definitely be more time than I need to have a few relaxing days and be ready for school again in September. I can now start writing more and posting more frequently – thank all good things above me, I need writing to keep me sane.
Anyway, as relaxing as today has been and will hopefully continue to be, it has also been frustrating. I’m frustrated with others and frustrated with myself. I am not one to completely call people out on the internet and I will not start now. But at what point is it too much? At what point do you give up? At what point do you stop trying? I am studying and training to be a therapist, a marriage and family therapist, so I feel as though I should have faith in people… but the experiences I’ve had with people I know both well and not so well have diminished much of the good I could see in anyone. I have been hurt and I have seen others, people I care about very deeply, be hurt. I believe that there are certain people in this world that we were meant to meet and certain things we were meant to go through. But I don’t believe there were certain people we were meant to abandon and hurt. Ruthlessness and absolute selfishness are two things I believe have really hurt humanity. Which is why I try my best to not involve myself with either. But others in this world do not feel or do the same.
I have learned that when people are going through very difficult times it is a go-to strategy for other people to back off, judge from afar, and completely desert the person. I have learned that those people aren’t worth caring about or putting much time and effort into trying to rekindle that connection. If they abandon you and judge you when you need them and their unconditional love and support the most, why should they deserve your attention and friendship when you’re at your best? Why people think this is okay I will never understand. But hey, they do them, I’ll do me.
Part of why I don’t understand the logic behind these sort of people is because when I care about someone, and I mean really genuinely care about someone, I am always there. I put in the effort. I never abandon or judge them. I let them be them. I accept their past and who they are. I put in the effort to learn about their life and what they did with their day. And I believe that is what true friendship is. Always being there. That’s a two-way street, though. It has to be reciprocated or it isn’t true friendship. As they say, “It takes two to tango”. Because I am a very sensitive and giving person, it is hard for me to let go if I’m not receiving the same genuine care back. There are very few people in this world that I deeply care about and love so much that I literally do not know what I would do without them. Off the top of my head I can think of about three or four. They have always been there for me and I sure as hell will always be there for them. If I lost any of them I am [pretty] sure I would head into a downward spiral of depression. When these people are having difficulties I drop everything I am doing, take the time to listen to them and their struggle, and try my absolute best to give them what they need in that moment. And I can only hope they would do the same for me.
In short, I believe there are people in this world that we will connect with forever and that once we meet them we need to hold onto them tight, not letting go, regardless of what role they play in our lives or if that role changes. I believe that there are some relationships that are worth sustaining regardless of what others think. I believe sometimes we need a clean slate, but just because we start somewhere new doesn’t mean our past (and the people in it) dissolves. Our past is what makes us who we are. I wouldn’t change anything that has happened to me because it has made me the strong, resilient, and determined woman I am today.
What does your past make you?