Confessions and Realizations of a Future Therapist:

As I stated in my last post, I sometimes find people exhausting. Their infinite personalities, multitude of situations and circumstances, and how they treat each other. Shockingly, even their problems, especially those that seem minuet (compared to my own), bother me. This is alarming to me, as my career choice is to help people. I want to help people… But I hate so many things about them.

I hate the way that they play games with each other. I hate the way that they chase. I hate the way that they distance. I hate the way that they give up. I hate the way they walk away. I hate the way they bully, insult, and call each other names. I hate the way they cheat, lie, and steal. I hate the way they use religion or a higher power to condemn each other. I hate the sarcasm, the guessing, the wondering, the torturous acts. But most of all, I hate the way that all of these things interact and can destroy a person and those around them. I hate the way that this can lead to depression, anxiety, PTSD, and suicide. I hate the way that the words and actions of others can change a person, sometimes for the better, but usually for the worse. The harsh reality is that people are cruel. People can be sick and do horrible things without feeling any remorse for their actions. And that makes me livid.

And that’s when my sensitive and caring side comes into play… I want others to be happy. I want to help others realize many, if not all, the things stated above aren’t healthy for a satisfying and fulfilling life. But unfortunately, that is the world we live in. Things happen, trust and privacy are breeched, people hurt us, and we are damaged. But that doesn’t have to be the end, we don’t have to let our past and experiences keep us down and end our lives.

I have not had the easiest road to travel down. There have been cracks and sinkholes, thorns and weeds, snowstorms and black ice. While I faced much of it alone, I had a therapist (okay, multiple) and she helped me realize that being there for someone in need is a crucial thing. She helped me through some of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of my life and I feel my calling is to pay it forward and do the same for others. I want to help others the way I know how.

I care about people and their well-being. It’s one of my biggest weaknesses and one of my greatest strengths. I love it and I hate it. I often give more than I receive yet I still haven’t learned to pull back, although I’m working on it. This is a quality of mine that will make me a great therapist (I hope). I want to give and help others through and on their journey to achieve happiness and do what works for them, whatever that entails.

I don’t want others to experience what I have. If I can help others avoid or counsel them after traumatizing experiences and succeed even once… Then my life will be fulfilled. If I can help a person, couple, or family reach a happier, healthier, and safer point in their lives, then I have done what I believe I have been put here to do. After that, I can die happy and satisfied.

I think I Might Actually Be an Introvert..

While at work today I was thinking about how exhausting I find dealing with people. Being around people, engaging in conversation, pretending to care and act interested is so frustrating and draining.  I’m a friendly person and I can be outgoing around people I’m comfortable with, but I think often times people mistake that for being an extrovert. But inside, being around a large group of people, most of whom I don’t know, makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I admire those who can do that because I believe it takes a lot of self-confidence and awareness to feel okay and good in a large group setting. While I have (what I consider to be) a healthy level of self-confidence and awareness, I just cannot seem to “thrive off of other people’s energy”, unless I know them well. There are few people I feel I can be completely vulnerable and myself with – there are maybe five people (well, now four…). But to those extroverts, you are really amazing people and I sometimes envy you. I need my solitude and alone time with no contact with anyone, otherwise I feel stressed, anxious, and am a complete, excuse my language, bitch. When people are too demanding of my time, especially the little time that I do have with my hectic work schedule and getting ready for classes to begin in the fall, I get very agitated and upset. Then they think I’m “bipolar” (I have actually been called that, which I find offensive to label or call anyone something that you have no actual idea about), a bitch, narcissistic, and whatever else, when I’m actually just exhausted and wanting time to myself. Note to everyone – do not take it personally, it has nothing to do with you – I am doing what I need to to keep myself mentally/emotionally sane and healthy. Whew, good to get that out. 

On another note:

All I want right now is to take a road trip, alone, with no destination in mind – I just want to drive and see where I end up. I want to drive to a beach or a cabin and write. I want to have a week or two to myself to just write and not have to worry about classes, work, or anyone or anything else. I want solitude. I want alone time. I want to forget my phone and social networking sites. I want to forget that people exist. I want to find myself completely lost in a journal entry and a cup of coffee, not worrying what time it is or where I have to be in an hour. And someday, I will do this. Maybe when I get back from Australia in July of next year. 

How perfect would that be? Does anyone else feel the same?

Feel free to reply with what your dream would be. 

Reflecting.

Hello all – this is solely a personal post for my own sake. This is me processing.

Recently I’ve been grieving a loss of someone very important in my life. They were one of my best friends and one of the people I trusted most in this world. They knew me better than anyone. I miss them…more than they know.

I don’t understand why things have turned out the way they have, or how exactly to deal with the current circumstances. I want to reach out, share what’s been going on in my world…but I am scared. I’m afraid of rejection and harsh words. I can’t take that right now, which is why I remain silent.

Which leads to the next part:

Silent…something I’ve been for far too long. Silence…something that has been forced upon me by those with more power. But I don’t want that anymore. I’m hurting and I’m suffering and I’m trying to deal with what life has thrown and continues to throw at me but it’s becoming a nightmare. A real, living, gut churning nightmare.

Things aren’t okay. Things are not fine and dandy. I am still suffering and dealing with the repercussions of what happened, mind you. I’m not “fine”. I’m not good. I’m going through the motions of each day and coming home and feeling unfulfilled. There’s no one to share things with here. There’s no one to understand my mind and what has happened and how I need to process it. There’s no one here, only me.

That’s why I want to go to Australia to study abroad. I want to get the hell away from all that I know and have an adventure for once in my life. I want the great feeling of not knowing anyone. I want to meet new people, see new places, and have new experiences. I want to go to a place where nothing reminds me of home, or them, or anything. I want an entirely new environment. And I’m going to get it.

I want to come back a new woman, or at least a woman that has learned and seen more than what was in her backyard. I want to come back a woman who loves deeper and is more compassionate. I want to come back a woman who is no longer (or who no longer feels) damaged, broken, and empty.

And I will do this, too.

Someday, somehow, this will happen. I will find myself and find happiness.

It will happen.

Today Marks the Day

Today marks the day that I will become a healthier person mentally, emotionally, physically, and intellectually.

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I will start taking better care of myself; eating healthier, cutting back on other (sometimes negative) behaviors, working out more intensely, and filling my free time with writing and engaging with people who make me happy.

I will work and study harder, save more, and enjoy my days. I will prepare for what my future will bring me and what the next academic year entails. And I will embrace the time I have left in college and in life.

I will stay on track. I will succeed. I won’t let small failures ruin my chances. In order to learn and grow, I must fail. These failures will make me who I am and shape me into a better person.

I will attend to relationships that need attending to. I will not walk out on anyone who has been significant in my life. I will not be that person that turns away and hurts those I love because I am scared or insecure. I will let my relationships flourish. I will not sabotage them.

Happiness is something everyone deserves, however it comes to them. And I am determined to find my own genuine happiness. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect; it means accepting the imperfections in yourself and in your life and making the most of it all. Finding happiness is a journey – a long and, more often than not, painful journey, with many bumps along the way.

Today marks the first day of this journey for me. I am determined.

I have returned!

Hello everyone! I have returned, hopefully for good now. 

I got back from Tennessee late on Wednesday night and have been working my butt of yesterday and today! Luckily, I have tomorrow and Sunday off and will be doing some much needed socializing (lake, sushi, party!) and getting some errands checked off my list. 

Over my weekend, I was told that I “need to get me a gun because you never know what will happen up north” and that “I’ve had some trouble with my Rae-Anne, too. So I’ve been thinking of you sweet pea”. Oh, thank you so much! I know I’ve been a burden the past three years on everyone around me, I didn’t need your affirmation. And sorry to break it to you, but I live in the city.. in a college town. I have mace and will be alright, thanks though!

Ahh.. family. So glad to be back at my apartment and back at work. We’re getting ready for football season, and at a almost 1 million sq. foot outdoor stadium.. that is quite the ordeal. Cannot wait for those 12-hour football game shifts.

So until school starts I shall be trying to see as many of my friends as possible (before they leave and go off to their respective schools) and working as much as I can. Gotta save up for Australia! Speaking of which, I submitted my application yesterday 🙂

Wish me luck. I hope you all are well!

xx Mary

Transformations, Successes, Hopes, Dreams