Tag Archives: emotional

Ah, it’s good to be back.

            Wow. It’s been almost 3 months since I have sat down and written a real post – and I apologize to those of you who follow my blog and actively read my posts! I am finally focusing on putting my needs and myself first, as opposed to worrying about pleasing those around me…because I was just not happy with where I was.           

            I had a realization day on Tuesday (the 22nd). I woke up and had to jump out of bed to get to the toilet and I ended up vomiting and being nauseas all morning – all because of stress. I worry about everything. School, work, having enough money for Australia, the past, my lack of a social life, my body/self confidence issues, family life, the holidays coming up – literally everything. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t sleep. My cortisol levels were (and probably still are) through the roof, causing me to gain weight and be even unhappier with my body. I developed intense body issues that perpetuated themselves because I was constantly stressed and in survival mode while also doing incredibly intense workouts, so any food I put into my body (no matter how healthy), stayed there. I worried and obsessed and it was all I thought about because it was something I could control and felt in control of. Then there was school; midterms, papers, projects. All things I knew I could and would get done and done well, but I stressed anyway, unnecessarily so. There was and is my lack of a social life, something I truly feel I don’t have the energy for right now. Key words – right now. I talk to my friends and am always with people in class and at work, so when I get home or have any free space to breathe I want to be alone. I value my personal time. And that personal time is time that I am going to learn to spend more wisely.

            I’m going to start doing yoga and meditating. I believe that both of those things will benefit my body, mind, and sanity. I’m making the commitment to myself publicly for two reasons; so I can look back to remind myself and also so others can hold me accountable. I have shared my new attitude and outlook with my close friends and they are happy for me and have already noticed a difference in my demeanor.

            I’m tired of being “happy”. I use quotations because I cannot remember (well, I can, but short bursts of things I’d rather not post on the internet) the last time I was genuinely happy and for an extended period of time. It’s been years. There has always been something going on in my life that has gotten in the way of that. Maybe it’s because I let things get in the way, but a person can only control so much of their life and when you’re young, that list of controllables is much shorter than when you are fully on your own.

            I believe I made the best of my situation and continue to do so. I navigate my life the way I know how. I survive and someday I will thrive. I will be genuinely happy and content with my life. I am breaking my unhealthy habits and learning new skills. I’m taking the steps. I’m being proactive. That’s all I can do. I can only do me and I need to accept that. I’ll get there, one day and one step at a time.

P.S. It’s good to be back 😀

Reflecting.

Hello all – this is solely a personal post for my own sake. This is me processing.

Recently I’ve been grieving a loss of someone very important in my life. They were one of my best friends and one of the people I trusted most in this world. They knew me better than anyone. I miss them…more than they know.

I don’t understand why things have turned out the way they have, or how exactly to deal with the current circumstances. I want to reach out, share what’s been going on in my world…but I am scared. I’m afraid of rejection and harsh words. I can’t take that right now, which is why I remain silent.

Which leads to the next part:

Silent…something I’ve been for far too long. Silence…something that has been forced upon me by those with more power. But I don’t want that anymore. I’m hurting and I’m suffering and I’m trying to deal with what life has thrown and continues to throw at me but it’s becoming a nightmare. A real, living, gut churning nightmare.

Things aren’t okay. Things are not fine and dandy. I am still suffering and dealing with the repercussions of what happened, mind you. I’m not “fine”. I’m not good. I’m going through the motions of each day and coming home and feeling unfulfilled. There’s no one to share things with here. There’s no one to understand my mind and what has happened and how I need to process it. There’s no one here, only me.

That’s why I want to go to Australia to study abroad. I want to get the hell away from all that I know and have an adventure for once in my life. I want the great feeling of not knowing anyone. I want to meet new people, see new places, and have new experiences. I want to go to a place where nothing reminds me of home, or them, or anything. I want an entirely new environment. And I’m going to get it.

I want to come back a new woman, or at least a woman that has learned and seen more than what was in her backyard. I want to come back a woman who loves deeper and is more compassionate. I want to come back a woman who is no longer (or who no longer feels) damaged, broken, and empty.

And I will do this, too.

Someday, somehow, this will happen. I will find myself and find happiness.

It will happen.

I’m Back! With A Personal Post…

Very true. I need my solitude in order to stay healthy.
Very true. I need my solitude in order to stay healthy.

Today is a day of rest for me. I worked over 40 hours last week and also finished my last summer class. Finally time to relax and enjoy what is left of summer, which feels like not enough time but will definitely be more time than I need to have a few relaxing days and be ready for school again in September. I can now start writing more and posting more frequently – thank all good things above me, I need writing to keep me sane.

Anyway, as relaxing as today has been and will hopefully continue to be, it has also been frustrating. I’m frustrated with others and frustrated with myself. I am not one to completely call people out on the internet and I will not start now. But at what point is it too much? At what point do you give up? At what point do you stop trying? I am studying and training to be a therapist, a marriage and family therapist, so I feel as though I should have faith in people… but the experiences I’ve had with people I know both well and not so well have diminished much of the good I could see in anyone. I have been hurt and I have seen others, people I care about very deeply, be hurt. I believe that there are certain people in this world that we were meant to meet and certain things we were meant to go through. But I don’t believe there were certain people we were meant to abandon and hurt. Ruthlessness and absolute selfishness are two things I believe have really hurt humanity. Which is why I try my best to not involve myself with either. But others in this world do not feel or do the same.

I have learned that when people are going through very difficult times it is a go-to strategy for other people to back off, judge from afar, and completely desert the person. I have learned that those people aren’t worth caring about or putting much time and effort into trying to rekindle that connection. If they abandon you and judge you when you need them and their unconditional love and support the most, why should they deserve your attention and friendship when you’re at your best? Why people think this is okay I will never understand. But hey, they do them, I’ll do me.

Part of why I don’t understand the logic behind these sort of people is because when I care about someone, and I mean really genuinely care about someone, I am always there. I put in the effort. I never abandon or judge them. I let them be them. I accept their past and who they are. I put in the effort to learn about their life and what they did with their day. And I believe that is what true friendship is. Always being there. That’s a two-way street, though. It has to be reciprocated or it isn’t true friendship. As they say, “It takes two to tango”. Because I am a very sensitive and giving person, it is hard for me to let go if I’m not receiving the same genuine care back. There are very few people in this world that I deeply care about and love so much that I literally do not know what I would do without them. Off the top of my head I can think of about three or four. They have always been there for me and I sure as hell will always be there for them. If I lost any of them I am [pretty] sure I would head into a downward spiral of depression. When these people are having difficulties I drop everything I am doing, take the time to listen to them and their struggle, and try my absolute best to give them what they need in that moment. And I can only hope they would do the same for me.

In short, I believe there are people in this world that we will connect with forever and that once we meet them we need to hold onto them tight, not letting go, regardless of what role they play in our lives or if that role changes. I believe that there are some relationships that are worth sustaining regardless of what others think. I believe sometimes we need a clean slate, but just because we start somewhere new doesn’t mean our past (and the people in it) dissolves. Our past is what makes us who we are. I wouldn’t change anything that has happened to me because it has made me the strong, resilient, and determined woman I am today.

What does your past make you?

Removing The Stigma

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Removing the Stigma

keep-calm-and-talk-about-mental-health-2

            The stigma that society has associated with mental health disorders is slowly fading. However, even with this progress those who suffer from mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder are embarrassed to share this part of themselves with others. I know from experience, as I am one of them. I believe that by talking about mental health issues and showing that we, those who live with mental illnesses, can lead healthy and functional lives regardless of our diseases, the stigma can be removed.

The common image that pops into most people’s heads when they think of a person with depression is someone who cannot function in their day-to-day life; someone who spends nights crying, no longer cares about their appearance, withdraws from their friends and family, and is unable to find pleasure in anything that most people find enjoyable. But in reality, many people with depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses blend right into society. They go to work, school, and receive promotions and awards. They hang out with their friends, go to concerts and movies, and can even be spotted laughing and smiling. More often than not, these are the people who have received help regardless of the negative attitudes towards their disorders. This is what the norm needs to be

Going to therapy and being on antidepressants or other medication should not be viewed as negative things. In fact, they should be seen as the exact opposite and celebrated! These are steps to becoming healthier, regaining control, and getting back on track to live a normal and sane life. Asking for, receiving, and accepting help is one of the hardest things we have to do as human beings, especially for those of us who struggle with our mental health. It shows incredible strength when an individual does so and it should be acknowledged and praised! It doesn’t call for judgment or being labeled as weak or losing control.

If you feel as though you’re suffering alone, try to remember that you’re the farthest thing from it. There are support groups both in person and online. Let yourself take steps to recovery and understand that healing and becoming happy again takes time. Depression, anxiety and other mental health disorders are not a death sentences or tunnels with no light at the end. They are diseases that can either take control over your life or not, but that is up to you.

So, my message to those to suffer is to get help in any capacity you can and are confortable with. It will take time and it will be hard but you are strong for making it this far. My message to those who do not suffer is to educate yourself and others about the issue and try to raise awareness. Stop joking about depression, bipolar disorder, and cutting. Make small changes one day at a time. Do your part to remove the stigma.

Photo Credit : http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-and-talk-about-mental-health-2.png

All Are True

I am Straight.  Straight I am.  The thought of being with a girl is inconceivable.  It’s an abomination, according to the bible.  Men and women fit together sexually, two girls or two guys do not.  It’s the simplest way to live life.  All your rights handed right to you as you need and want them.  The difficulties of being “in the closet” or the possibility of being “outed” are never even on your radar because everyone assumes you are straight.  They are right.

The Bi-Sexual in me feels guilty.  Guilty that I can have the better life if I so choose.  But isn’t that one of the major points that GLBT community members make?  Is that it’s not a choice?  But if you’re part of the “B”, then it is a choice.  Why should I have to choose between men and women?  If I am able to choose men, why can’t lesbians?  Why can’t males choose females?  Why are bi-sexuals outcasts in what is supposed to be a supportive and loving community?

            I am Gay.  Am I Gay?  Yes, I couldn’t be more gay.  Thinking about being with a man truly disgusts me.  Being with someone who understands exactly how you biologically work is phenomenal.  The connection is so strong.  Sure, we might not fit together sexually, but our minds and hearts could not fit together better.  The emotional piece is so intense, so real, so genuine.  It’s refreshing and so real.  But basic human rights are denied to us.  They are wrong.

I am completely okay with gay people being out and proud, but do not show your affection in front of me.  No one wants to see the nastiness that is gay sexuality – out in the open.   The standards of society make my PDA acceptable.  But two guys or girls sucking face in public?  Never.  Ever.  Okay.

            I’m Bi-Sexual.  Or am I Confused?  I like girls.  I like boys.  I am physically attracted to both, and emotionally attracted to both.  I have crushes on both.  I am able to have relations with both.  So why, why, why, does society make it so hard to be Bi?  The GLBTQ community hates bisexuals because it’s having the “best of both worlds”.  They also say that if you can choose between boys and girls; why not choose the opposite sex, because that path is so much easier.  I’ll tell you why.  You can’t control whom you fall in love with.  I am right.  They are wrong.

I understand that the world does not want to see me display my affection for my partner in public.  So why, is it okay for the straight community to put their feelings on display for the entire world to see?      The social standard makes me feel as though I can have a relationship, I just can’t show it.

            My best friends told me last night as we were driving to softball that she is bi-sexual.  My heart sank.  My best friend…bi?  This is not okay for my social status.  If she totally comes out to the entire school people are going to think I’m gay.   And that we are…gay…together! She’s like my sister, that’s disgusting.  No more sleepovers, no more “fake flirting,” because it probably wasn’t fake to her.  Great, she’s probably actually in love with me.

            I’m in love with both of my best friends.  A girl and a boy.  Why did God do this to me?  Why can’t I just like one gender?  I wouldn’t even care if I was gay or straight just as long as I didn’t have this constant battle within myself.  But I do.  I am stuck.  He’s so nice and funny and sweet, but so is she.   I have zero gaydar, so I cannot even begin to guess if they are either straight, bi-sexual, or gay themselves.  What if something happens with one, and they blab to the other?  Then my relationships with them are forever ruined, so the possibility of anything ever occurring between myself and either one of them is out of the question.

            My best friend thinks I’m in love with him.  How do I make it perfectly clear to him that I’m not?  That all I want from him is friendship?  Just because a person is gay does not mean they want to get in the pants of every member of the opposite sex.  In the locker room after lacrosse practice, he makes a conscious decision to change in a different locker isle.  When we shower as a team, he makes a conscious effort to be as far away from me as possible.  Before I came out to him, we changed and showered next to each other.  I feel the same about him now as I did before.  Why can’t he understand that?  He needs to get off his high horse and get over himself because he’s not nearly as hot as he thinks he is.  I mean, does he want to get with every girl he sees?  Simply because he’s straight?  No, he doesn’t.  Why can’t he understand it’s the exact same situation with gay people?  It makes me so angry.

            I only told one person.  Now the entire school knows.  I didn’t think that news would spread so fast.  Now she’s going to know I told because I was the only person that she told.  I’ve seen her once today, and if looks could kill my blood would be stone cold.  I didn’t think he would say anything.  I told him not to.  But of course, I let it slip that I was “freaked out because we have sleepovers, what if she watches me change and tries something while we’re sleeping?”  I care about her.  Why did I let that slip?  Why did I tell?  Did I want popularity?  Because I’m certainly getting it.  Maybe, in the end, this won’t be such a bad thing.  I might have lost my best friend but I’ve gained so many new ones.  I’ll make sure she’s sorry for making me feel so uncomfortable.

            One of my good girl friends told me that she’s gay. And now I’m starting to have feelings for her, too.  I can’t handle three different crushes, not even crushes – LOVES.  I never ever thought of her in a romantic way before she told me.  Is this going to happen with every girl that comes out to me?  Am I going to fall for her?  Am I actually gay and not bi-sexual?  Why is this so difficult?  Why can’t I be positive of who I am?  If I knew who I was I would be in a relationship by now, just like everyone else.  What if I was normal?

            He’s now avoiding me.  Great.  My best friend in the entire world, who I always thought would be cool with it, is avoiding me.  He’s spreading it, too.  What if I told the entire school he’s sleeping with the biggest druggie in school?  Would people think he was cool then?  That he uses her to get free drugs?  I don’t think so.  So why do people think he’s cool for outing his supposed “best friend”?  It’s not funny that I’m gay.  It’s not funny or cool that he outed me, something I could have and would have done in my own time and on my own terms.  I’ll curb the rumors and set the record straight.

Note : Wrote this for a magical realism piece – it’s meant to be all over the place. Written partially from my perspective (bisexual).

Do You Ever?

Do you ever feel as if you are completely alone in this world? As though there’s no one that fully supports you?

I am scared that I have fallen for everyone’s tricks and no one is genuine.

Have my parents done that? Has my school done that? Have my friends done that?

I really do not know, and that scares me as well.

I trust very few people. There are four people I trust with everything – my therapist being one. Is that how it is supposed to be? When something big happens one of the first people you call is your therapist because you know they are one of the only people that will give you positive feedback and tell you you are going to be okay? I’m not sure how I feel about that. To me, I feel like the first people I call should be my group of friends – but wait – that’s nonexistent. I’m so scared to trust I can’t push myself to form those groups.

Sometimes I think…

What the fuck is wrong with me?