Tag Archives: Love

I Have Amazing Friends

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Above are two people (Angie and Gina) who have helped me and been there through the absolute worst (and best) times of my life. Many people don’t have anyone they can trust, and I have (more than) two. But these two women have been the most loyal, trustworthy, loving, caring, non-judgmental and honest people in my life to date. 

While I have definitely had some very unfortunate things happen to me in my life, so have they and I have done my absolute best to be there for them as well. Gina goes to school on the East coast and Angie is down South for college, so it is tough to maintain the friendships as intimately as we would like to due to differences in schedules, extracurriculars/jobs, and school. We do our best, though.

The two young women above are incredibly smart, talented, caring, determined, hardworking, loving, and all around amazing individuals that I would do absolutely anything for. They deserve the world and the very least I can do for them is a blog post dedicated to their friendship.

Angie and Gina, I love you and would do anything for you. Never settle for less than you deserve because you deserve everything and more.

Thank you for your friendship and everything you have done.

 

Confessions and Realizations of a Future Therapist:

As I stated in my last post, I sometimes find people exhausting. Their infinite personalities, multitude of situations and circumstances, and how they treat each other. Shockingly, even their problems, especially those that seem minuet (compared to my own), bother me. This is alarming to me, as my career choice is to help people. I want to help people… But I hate so many things about them.

I hate the way that they play games with each other. I hate the way that they chase. I hate the way that they distance. I hate the way that they give up. I hate the way they walk away. I hate the way they bully, insult, and call each other names. I hate the way they cheat, lie, and steal. I hate the way they use religion or a higher power to condemn each other. I hate the sarcasm, the guessing, the wondering, the torturous acts. But most of all, I hate the way that all of these things interact and can destroy a person and those around them. I hate the way that this can lead to depression, anxiety, PTSD, and suicide. I hate the way that the words and actions of others can change a person, sometimes for the better, but usually for the worse. The harsh reality is that people are cruel. People can be sick and do horrible things without feeling any remorse for their actions. And that makes me livid.

And that’s when my sensitive and caring side comes into play… I want others to be happy. I want to help others realize many, if not all, the things stated above aren’t healthy for a satisfying and fulfilling life. But unfortunately, that is the world we live in. Things happen, trust and privacy are breeched, people hurt us, and we are damaged. But that doesn’t have to be the end, we don’t have to let our past and experiences keep us down and end our lives.

I have not had the easiest road to travel down. There have been cracks and sinkholes, thorns and weeds, snowstorms and black ice. While I faced much of it alone, I had a therapist (okay, multiple) and she helped me realize that being there for someone in need is a crucial thing. She helped me through some of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of my life and I feel my calling is to pay it forward and do the same for others. I want to help others the way I know how.

I care about people and their well-being. It’s one of my biggest weaknesses and one of my greatest strengths. I love it and I hate it. I often give more than I receive yet I still haven’t learned to pull back, although I’m working on it. This is a quality of mine that will make me a great therapist (I hope). I want to give and help others through and on their journey to achieve happiness and do what works for them, whatever that entails.

I don’t want others to experience what I have. If I can help others avoid or counsel them after traumatizing experiences and succeed even once… Then my life will be fulfilled. If I can help a person, couple, or family reach a happier, healthier, and safer point in their lives, then I have done what I believe I have been put here to do. After that, I can die happy and satisfied.

Reflecting.

Hello all – this is solely a personal post for my own sake. This is me processing.

Recently I’ve been grieving a loss of someone very important in my life. They were one of my best friends and one of the people I trusted most in this world. They knew me better than anyone. I miss them…more than they know.

I don’t understand why things have turned out the way they have, or how exactly to deal with the current circumstances. I want to reach out, share what’s been going on in my world…but I am scared. I’m afraid of rejection and harsh words. I can’t take that right now, which is why I remain silent.

Which leads to the next part:

Silent…something I’ve been for far too long. Silence…something that has been forced upon me by those with more power. But I don’t want that anymore. I’m hurting and I’m suffering and I’m trying to deal with what life has thrown and continues to throw at me but it’s becoming a nightmare. A real, living, gut churning nightmare.

Things aren’t okay. Things are not fine and dandy. I am still suffering and dealing with the repercussions of what happened, mind you. I’m not “fine”. I’m not good. I’m going through the motions of each day and coming home and feeling unfulfilled. There’s no one to share things with here. There’s no one to understand my mind and what has happened and how I need to process it. There’s no one here, only me.

That’s why I want to go to Australia to study abroad. I want to get the hell away from all that I know and have an adventure for once in my life. I want the great feeling of not knowing anyone. I want to meet new people, see new places, and have new experiences. I want to go to a place where nothing reminds me of home, or them, or anything. I want an entirely new environment. And I’m going to get it.

I want to come back a new woman, or at least a woman that has learned and seen more than what was in her backyard. I want to come back a woman who loves deeper and is more compassionate. I want to come back a woman who is no longer (or who no longer feels) damaged, broken, and empty.

And I will do this, too.

Someday, somehow, this will happen. I will find myself and find happiness.

It will happen.

The “Shine On Award” with Song!

Thank you to Shaun (http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com) for the Shine On award! Please go follow his brilliant blog. I happily accept and will now pass it on.

THE RULES ARE:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. State 7 things about yourself

4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them.

5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award requirements.

7 Things About Me:

1. I am in school to become a Couple/Marriage and Family Therapist.

2. I am a fighter.

3. I love to write – in all forms (poems, short stories, articles, blog posts, reflections, etc.)

4. Once I become invested in something or someone I do not give up or walk away.

5. I have experienced many hardships in my short 20 years of life and I definitely have a story.

6. I am nonjudgmental and welcome/accept everyone as they are.

7. I love to meet new people and try new things.

15 People I Now Nominate:

1. http://getmerewrite.me

2. http://astraltravler.wordpress.com

3. http://justme636.wordpress.com

4. http://ashiakira.wordpress.com

5. http://aveekchakraborty.wordpress.com

6. http://anthonyborregoblog.wordpress.com

7. http://michaelwatsonvt.wordpress.com

8. http://fromthedeskofmardrag.wordpress.com

9. http://jojopercieves.wordpress.com

10. http://peakexpression.wordpress.com

11. http://thecultivationofbeauty.wordpress.com

12. http://danskognes.wordpress.com

13. http://bishoptatro.wordpress.com

14. http://legendsofwindemere.com

15. http://bumbastories.wordpress.com

Song: Shine On by James Blunt:

A Reflection About Family

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Family is a complicated concept. It didn’t used to be, but with all the disowning, disapproval, judgement, and issues with religion, sexuality, identity, etc. the notion of family has become somewhat distorted.

The traditional definition of family is biological ties and a shared living space. It also includes two parents of opposite genders and children. Divorced parents, homosexual and cohabiting couples, and single parents are not included in this definition. Best friends, close colleagues, and anyone who is supportive aren’t included either.

The definition of family has changed dramatically as people go through difficult times within the family and without. Many people have to go outside those biologically related to them to find what they need in relationships. Family has turned into anyone who is unconditionally supportive and loving.

While I fully support seeking support, love, and care anywhere you can find it, I think it’s sad that we even have to go outside our blood relatives to do so. Our biological families should be there for us – no matter what. They should care about our well-being in an appropriate way. They should want us to be with someone we love and who loves us back. They should want us to be open with them. They should want us to come to them when we need help. Family shouldn’t judge or destroy us. I will never understand why some family dynamics are the way they are, nobody can understand it all, but it deeply saddens me that there are people who cannot turn to their family with everything and be welcomed with unconditional love.

All the shit that life throws at us is terrible and not having a family, or even a single member, to turn to makes it harder to handle. We cannot handle everything on our own. We need the love and support of others to make it through difficult times. And if we have to turn to our best friends, colleagues, teammates, and others over those who are our blood to help us, then so be it. All I know is I think it’s a tragedy. Not having your biological family step up and set their values, beliefs, and pride aside to be there for you and provide a safe place for you is a tragedy.

If you fit into this category… I apologize on behalf of your family. You are a beautiful person regardless of your struggles and imperfections. They have no right to desert you. Find others. You deserve better. You’re worthy. Carry on.

I’m Back! With A Personal Post…

Very true. I need my solitude in order to stay healthy.
Very true. I need my solitude in order to stay healthy.

Today is a day of rest for me. I worked over 40 hours last week and also finished my last summer class. Finally time to relax and enjoy what is left of summer, which feels like not enough time but will definitely be more time than I need to have a few relaxing days and be ready for school again in September. I can now start writing more and posting more frequently – thank all good things above me, I need writing to keep me sane.

Anyway, as relaxing as today has been and will hopefully continue to be, it has also been frustrating. I’m frustrated with others and frustrated with myself. I am not one to completely call people out on the internet and I will not start now. But at what point is it too much? At what point do you give up? At what point do you stop trying? I am studying and training to be a therapist, a marriage and family therapist, so I feel as though I should have faith in people… but the experiences I’ve had with people I know both well and not so well have diminished much of the good I could see in anyone. I have been hurt and I have seen others, people I care about very deeply, be hurt. I believe that there are certain people in this world that we were meant to meet and certain things we were meant to go through. But I don’t believe there were certain people we were meant to abandon and hurt. Ruthlessness and absolute selfishness are two things I believe have really hurt humanity. Which is why I try my best to not involve myself with either. But others in this world do not feel or do the same.

I have learned that when people are going through very difficult times it is a go-to strategy for other people to back off, judge from afar, and completely desert the person. I have learned that those people aren’t worth caring about or putting much time and effort into trying to rekindle that connection. If they abandon you and judge you when you need them and their unconditional love and support the most, why should they deserve your attention and friendship when you’re at your best? Why people think this is okay I will never understand. But hey, they do them, I’ll do me.

Part of why I don’t understand the logic behind these sort of people is because when I care about someone, and I mean really genuinely care about someone, I am always there. I put in the effort. I never abandon or judge them. I let them be them. I accept their past and who they are. I put in the effort to learn about their life and what they did with their day. And I believe that is what true friendship is. Always being there. That’s a two-way street, though. It has to be reciprocated or it isn’t true friendship. As they say, “It takes two to tango”. Because I am a very sensitive and giving person, it is hard for me to let go if I’m not receiving the same genuine care back. There are very few people in this world that I deeply care about and love so much that I literally do not know what I would do without them. Off the top of my head I can think of about three or four. They have always been there for me and I sure as hell will always be there for them. If I lost any of them I am [pretty] sure I would head into a downward spiral of depression. When these people are having difficulties I drop everything I am doing, take the time to listen to them and their struggle, and try my absolute best to give them what they need in that moment. And I can only hope they would do the same for me.

In short, I believe there are people in this world that we will connect with forever and that once we meet them we need to hold onto them tight, not letting go, regardless of what role they play in our lives or if that role changes. I believe that there are some relationships that are worth sustaining regardless of what others think. I believe sometimes we need a clean slate, but just because we start somewhere new doesn’t mean our past (and the people in it) dissolves. Our past is what makes us who we are. I wouldn’t change anything that has happened to me because it has made me the strong, resilient, and determined woman I am today.

What does your past make you?