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Ah, it’s good to be back.

            Wow. It’s been almost 3 months since I have sat down and written a real post – and I apologize to those of you who follow my blog and actively read my posts! I am finally focusing on putting my needs and myself first, as opposed to worrying about pleasing those around me…because I was just not happy with where I was.           

            I had a realization day on Tuesday (the 22nd). I woke up and had to jump out of bed to get to the toilet and I ended up vomiting and being nauseas all morning – all because of stress. I worry about everything. School, work, having enough money for Australia, the past, my lack of a social life, my body/self confidence issues, family life, the holidays coming up – literally everything. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t sleep. My cortisol levels were (and probably still are) through the roof, causing me to gain weight and be even unhappier with my body. I developed intense body issues that perpetuated themselves because I was constantly stressed and in survival mode while also doing incredibly intense workouts, so any food I put into my body (no matter how healthy), stayed there. I worried and obsessed and it was all I thought about because it was something I could control and felt in control of. Then there was school; midterms, papers, projects. All things I knew I could and would get done and done well, but I stressed anyway, unnecessarily so. There was and is my lack of a social life, something I truly feel I don’t have the energy for right now. Key words – right now. I talk to my friends and am always with people in class and at work, so when I get home or have any free space to breathe I want to be alone. I value my personal time. And that personal time is time that I am going to learn to spend more wisely.

            I’m going to start doing yoga and meditating. I believe that both of those things will benefit my body, mind, and sanity. I’m making the commitment to myself publicly for two reasons; so I can look back to remind myself and also so others can hold me accountable. I have shared my new attitude and outlook with my close friends and they are happy for me and have already noticed a difference in my demeanor.

            I’m tired of being “happy”. I use quotations because I cannot remember (well, I can, but short bursts of things I’d rather not post on the internet) the last time I was genuinely happy and for an extended period of time. It’s been years. There has always been something going on in my life that has gotten in the way of that. Maybe it’s because I let things get in the way, but a person can only control so much of their life and when you’re young, that list of controllables is much shorter than when you are fully on your own.

            I believe I made the best of my situation and continue to do so. I navigate my life the way I know how. I survive and someday I will thrive. I will be genuinely happy and content with my life. I am breaking my unhealthy habits and learning new skills. I’m taking the steps. I’m being proactive. That’s all I can do. I can only do me and I need to accept that. I’ll get there, one day and one step at a time.

P.S. It’s good to be back 😀

Finally! A new post!

Hello again! I know my last actual post was almost a month ago, and I apologize for that! I thank those that have stuck with me this month 🙂

In the past month a lot has happened; I have turned 20, been accepted to study abroad in Australia in the spring, gone to my first Twins game of the summer, made new friends, met new people, had a few really tough nights, gotten ready for school, and the first football game of the University of Minnesota’s season resulted in a win. 

I’ve come to some realizations about myself as well. I’ve realized that I really do invest in my relationships, both romantic and platonic, more than the other party. This sets me up to get hurt when it becomes evident that I am trying to communicate and reach out to those I care about and receive absolutely nothing in return. I am not the biggest fan of ambiguity and am continuing to learn to sit with my anxiety about certain situations and people. It continues to be tough, let me tell you.

I apologize for the shortness of this post but I am at work and am unable to write more at the moment. Classes start next week and I could not be more excited to get some structure in my schedule and also to be constantly busy! I will have more time to post, though, and with the classes I am taking I will have more to write about as well!

 I hope that you are all doing well and enjoying whatever is left of your summer!

xx Mary