Tag Archives: reflection

I leave in one month.

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Note: This is a post of my late night thoughts. Apologies for any typos/errors. 

     One month from today (December 28th), I will embark on a journey that will, more likely than not, change me and change my life. I will be studying abroad in Australia for five months. The feelings I feel right now are mixed; more nervous than excited but more excited than scared. I will not change my mind and I will go, but I am worried.

     I worry I will be forgotten. I worry that, while abroad, I will miss everything back home and get back too late to catch up. 

     I worry that the time difference will hinder my ability to stay in contact with the people I want to, and their ability to keep me updated on their lives as well.

     I worry that I will get there, despise everyone but learn to love them, be homesick, then come home and have those feelings about those I originally missed. 

     I worry I’ll become too attached to my new life abroad and become severely depressed upon returning. 

     I worry about being missed. I worry about changing “too much”. I worry that I will get back and be lost. I worry that I will lose certain people I have recently come to grow very fond of, or they simply will not care to get to know the “new” me, if there is one. I worry that I’ll forget to say something I want to say or the last hug won’t be tight enough. I worry I’ll forget. 

     But at the same time I could not be more stoked about what these months will bring. 

     I’m excited about the adventures I am certain to have. I am excited about not working, just studying, and being able to take advantage of all of my free time. I am excited about the people I will meet, the new start I will have, and the opportunity to create a completely new self if I so choose. I am excited, but also worried, about what studying in a country, so different but so similar at the same time, to mine will be like. I am excited to learn at a University that is less than 45 years old but has accomplished so much. I am excited to bring what I learn home, to the people I love. 

But amongst all my worry and excitement I must remember that yes, I am leaving soon, but I will also come back. 

I will come back a new person, a new young woman. I will come back with experiences, stories, and knowledge that no one else has.

I will come back and I will be okay. I will be happy. 

This will be just another journey on my path through life.

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Finally! A new post!

Hello again! I know my last actual post was almost a month ago, and I apologize for that! I thank those that have stuck with me this month 🙂

In the past month a lot has happened; I have turned 20, been accepted to study abroad in Australia in the spring, gone to my first Twins game of the summer, made new friends, met new people, had a few really tough nights, gotten ready for school, and the first football game of the University of Minnesota’s season resulted in a win. 

I’ve come to some realizations about myself as well. I’ve realized that I really do invest in my relationships, both romantic and platonic, more than the other party. This sets me up to get hurt when it becomes evident that I am trying to communicate and reach out to those I care about and receive absolutely nothing in return. I am not the biggest fan of ambiguity and am continuing to learn to sit with my anxiety about certain situations and people. It continues to be tough, let me tell you.

I apologize for the shortness of this post but I am at work and am unable to write more at the moment. Classes start next week and I could not be more excited to get some structure in my schedule and also to be constantly busy! I will have more time to post, though, and with the classes I am taking I will have more to write about as well!

 I hope that you are all doing well and enjoying whatever is left of your summer!

xx Mary

A Reflection About Family

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Family is a complicated concept. It didn’t used to be, but with all the disowning, disapproval, judgement, and issues with religion, sexuality, identity, etc. the notion of family has become somewhat distorted.

The traditional definition of family is biological ties and a shared living space. It also includes two parents of opposite genders and children. Divorced parents, homosexual and cohabiting couples, and single parents are not included in this definition. Best friends, close colleagues, and anyone who is supportive aren’t included either.

The definition of family has changed dramatically as people go through difficult times within the family and without. Many people have to go outside those biologically related to them to find what they need in relationships. Family has turned into anyone who is unconditionally supportive and loving.

While I fully support seeking support, love, and care anywhere you can find it, I think it’s sad that we even have to go outside our blood relatives to do so. Our biological families should be there for us – no matter what. They should care about our well-being in an appropriate way. They should want us to be with someone we love and who loves us back. They should want us to be open with them. They should want us to come to them when we need help. Family shouldn’t judge or destroy us. I will never understand why some family dynamics are the way they are, nobody can understand it all, but it deeply saddens me that there are people who cannot turn to their family with everything and be welcomed with unconditional love.

All the shit that life throws at us is terrible and not having a family, or even a single member, to turn to makes it harder to handle. We cannot handle everything on our own. We need the love and support of others to make it through difficult times. And if we have to turn to our best friends, colleagues, teammates, and others over those who are our blood to help us, then so be it. All I know is I think it’s a tragedy. Not having your biological family step up and set their values, beliefs, and pride aside to be there for you and provide a safe place for you is a tragedy.

If you fit into this category… I apologize on behalf of your family. You are a beautiful person regardless of your struggles and imperfections. They have no right to desert you. Find others. You deserve better. You’re worthy. Carry on.